Things Not In The Bible


1. And ye shall gather thy eggs and color them to celebrate Easter. And they will be hidden and found by all the bright happy children.

2. You shall find the spouse God has waiting for you.

3. You shall get married by a preacher in a church. Or if that’s not possible, ye shall get married in a courthouse.

4. After your wedding, you will have a honeymoon and bask in the sun until you have to get back to work.

5. Wives, you shall decide how many children you want and then go see your doctor for your contraception of choice.

6. You shall protect your family at all costs.

7. A man is only a man if he has proven himself sexually, whether by one night of struggle or a legally sanctioned marriage.

8. Marriage is your ticket to free sex and everyone has the right to sexual fulfillment.  Children are the price you pay for sex.

9. God, family, country.   The church must focus on family.

10. Everything shall be for the good of the children.

11. Only a married man can be a preacher or church leader.

12. Single people are those who do not have a valid marriage license. If they’re over college age, you don’t need to worry about them.  They are unknowns.

13. Unmarried men and women cannot be trusted. Protect your children from them. If they are older, they are probably gay.

14. Your church shall have a penny march at least once a week.

15. Church children will be made to feel special with Vacation Bible School at least once a year.

16. All churches shall have a family life center. If they don’t have family in the church, they don’t count. All churches shall have youth luncheon once a month.

17. All churches must have a nursery.

18. The preacher’s wife must be put to good use, like playing the piano or working in the nursery.

19. The church shall be segregated based on age or marital status. Because everything must be age appropriate.

20. The church shall honor Mother’s Day and Father’s Day once a year. If they’re not married, they don’t count. They haven’t proven themselves.

21. All churches must have a youth group. You can call it a ministry if it brings in more money.

22. The youth pastor must be married and have at least two children.

23. Parents always know best.

24. Don’t let your children talk to strangers.

25. It’s okay to have sex and get pregnant anytime, as long as you get married.  Everyone has to sew their wild oats. More babies bring in more money for the church.

26.  Sexual sin is just as bad as all other sin.

27.  Everybody brings emotional baggage into a relationship.

28.  You must protect yourself before having sex.

29.  Women determine all ethical standards for the church.  Single women shall setup internet accounts and issue policy changes from their virginal thrones.  Men only want one thing, sex.  Only women can truly be virtuous and worthy of worship.  The church shall remain feminine with the sweet smell of lilacs in the air.

30.  Grandparents, you are expected to take care of the children when mommy has to work all day.

31.  Celibacy is something Catholic priests do.  And you must guard your children from them.

32.  Marriage is an institution.  But celibacy is not because it’s not in your church bulletin.

33.  Old bachelors are greedy and self-centered.  When you ride by their house, roll up your windows if children are in the car.

34.  Do not call on unmarried men to pray or take up offering on Sunday morning.  They cannot be trusted.

35.  Women and children go first.

36.  The family is the building block of society.  Family values are Christian values.

37.  If you don’t have a daddy, mommy can tell you everything you need to know.

38.  If someone is unhappy, setup an appointment with family therapy.

39.  Government knows best.  Ye shall buy only WIC sanctioned foods.

40  Preachers, ye must present your wives and children to the church in an appropriate manner with all being comfortable and well liked.

41.  Ye shall preach on marriage and family like the New Testament writers did.

42.  Caleb and my people did not take possession of the Promised Land because they were fervently praying.

43.  Tradition dictates what is right.  Religious experience matters more than truth because the church is about drama.  Women do that best.  Juicy stories must be told.

44.  All churches must have a family life center.  Popcorn must be served with butter on family night.

45.  If you can’t get pregnant, call the fertility clinic down the street.

46.  If you get pregnant at an inconvenient time, call the abortion clinic.

47. Preachers, ye are only required to talk about sex once a year, because of its uncomfortable nature.

48.  Mommy and daddy, if you have histories that make you uncomfortable, you don’t have to have “the talk” with your son or daughter.  They can learn all that stuff from the internet and their friends.  After all, everybody makes mistakes.

49.  If someone is sitting in your family pew, politely ask them to move.

50.  The pastor shall take on the role of mother, comforting members in times of trouble, presiding over family worship.

51.  Love and moral commitment are learned at home.

52.  God shall bestow blessings on family members, especially if they hold a church membership.

53.  The success of church depends on number of members and money collected.  It also depends on good preaching and a friendly congregation.

54.  Church business shall be done before or after family worship.

55.  Family rights should be valued more than individual rights.

56.  Morality should be based on a family’s sense of shame, not on an individual’s sense of guilt..

57.  My family is my mommy, daddy, brothers and sisters.

58.  Babies must be dedicated and baptized as soon as possible.

59.  Invitations to baby showers should follow your church’s protocol.

60.  You should get married as soon as possible because you can’t control your sexual urges very long.

61.  Ye shall post at least 50 pictures of your daughter’s birthday party on Facebook.

62.  Ye shall post at least 60 pictures of moose hunting with your son.

63.  Family life is the same thing as Christian life.

64.  Marriage and family have been around since Adam and Eve.  You know they went to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

65.  Marriage is for the procreation of children.

66.  All of God’s disciples were family men.

67.  Marriage cedes your genitals to the government.

68.  A wedding is the same thing as a marriage.

69.  All emotions are natural and good.  Unmet emotional needs must be met at all costs, even if it means sex outside marriage.

70.  If you’re not familiar with it, you should leave it alone.  Nothing should come between you and your family.

71.  Every church has a victim and rescuer.

72.  Every church has a martyr, negotiator, and persecutor.

73.  Your husbands, wives, and children will be present with you on judgment day.

74.  You must remain faithful to your denomination and country.

75.  If an adult is not married, they just haven’t found the right person.  The church should help them find that person.

76.  Sing two more verses of the doxology after the last person walks the isle.

77.  Leave two cookies for Santa the night before Christmas.

I hope there’s no doubt we live in a family idolatry society.  And family idolatry has led to the acceptance of same sex marriage and our deterioration into Sodom.  Preachers, that should give you some food for thought.


4 thoughts on “Things Not In The Bible

  1. I agree with so many of these! I really didn’t read any that I didn’t agree with.

    Easter is not even a biblical holiday and is actually frowned upon by God, I’m sure Christmas is too since it’s pagan and valentines day. A lot of these are the stinking thinking of those that are caught up in the world verses those that are studying God’s word. Some of them pertaining to spending money that one truly does not have to impress the people that most of the time they don’t even like but they all go along with not truly knowing what God meant to be the deepest meaning of life. Also some of these are just ways to make money, not being about the Lord but stepping away from principle so that one can make money to grow the church or the business.

    Society is too carried away with a church on every corner. A church is not a building, it’s the people you keep in life. Surrounding yourself with those that are living for the same God, spreading the gospel through actions not just words. And again most churches (buildings) are practicing the ways of the world verses what the gospel says by participating in pagan worship and activity.

    You family is who you make it. 57 is my favorite one on the list. I grew up in a home where I was raped over a period of 13 years. God blessed them with me (just like we are all blessed with each other in life) but just like anyone else that simple is not “who you thought they were” we are free to walk away from them and surround ourselves with those that are living for a greater cause.


    • Thanks Kerri. I’ve seen all of them – and more – over the course of my lifetime. They like to talk a good “we’re all family” line. But when it comes down to it, it’s all about blood lines.


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