Don’t Tell The Preacher I Told You That

lady with phone

Kirk is a man in my Baptist church. I recently interviewed him.

John: Congratulations on your 25th wedding anniversary Kirk. Not many couples stay together that long.

Kirk: No, they don’t. Divorce is the way to go these days. And if you don’t want to get married, a young man can get sex anywhere on the street these days. It’s as easy as buying pizza. The way he looks at it is why pay with his life for what he can with a one-night stand. People don’t know what commitment is any more.

John: So what do you think has kept you two together all these years?

Kirk: Well, probably a lot of things. We’ve got our four kids, you know. They’re our lives. And then we have nine grandkids. I guess you could say our family has kept us together. And then there’s the church.

John: What do you think the future holds for you and Sue?

Kirk: Well, we got married ’til death do us part. We’ve had a faithful marriage and one that I think honors God. We’ve always believed that marriage is a picture of the great wedding in the future between Christ and his church.

John: Where would you be today if you had not married Sue?

Kirk: I probably wouldn’t be here. I mean, I had a wild streak and Sue sort of calmed me down. She was like a guiding force that put me on the straight and narrow. If I hadn’t met her, I’d probably be doing time in prison . . . or dead.

John: Prison? What do you think you would have done to end up there?

Kirk: Well, before I met Sue, I liked to have a good time out on the drag strips and casino halls. I took risks with my life nearly every Saturday night. And I liked to have fun with the girls. Even though I never scored with one, I had lots of opportunities. I’m not sure how much longer I could have held out though if Sue hadn’t come along.

John: Are you saying you would have probably had sex before marriage?

Kirk: Probably so. Look, I was 21 and Sue was 19. A man can’t wait much longer than that. I’m not bragging or anything, but I think God game me a double dose of testosterone. How does the Bible put it? Oh yeah, I would have burned up with passion. Sue quenched my fire.

John: What would it have taken for you to survive until today without Sue, without sex, and without your kids and grandkids.

Kirk: Oh my, that would have taken a supernatural miracle on the part of God. I know the Bible talks about those people, but I’m not sure about that today.

John: You don’t think they exist today?

Kirk: I don’t know of any. They are highly exalted gifted people who are missionaries in third world countries. They wouldn’t have any need to be here. Everybody in this country knows who God is. I think Billy Graham had some . . . and maybe the Pope.

John: I see. Would you be able to recognize one if she was in your church Sunday morning?

Kirk: My heavens yes. They wear long robes and sandals. The women have long hair and wear no makeup. They wear a lot of black. They’re rather thin because they don’t eat much and they spend a lot of time with orphans and homeless people. They walk around quoting scripture.

John: So you think they’re missionaries in third world countries? Pretend for a moment that you’re on the way to the hospital with a sick daughter when you get a phone call from one of your coworkers contemplating suicide. Would you go see your desperate friend or continue to the hospital with your sick child?

Kirk: Well, of course I would continue on to the hospital. My child has to come first.

John: Okay. Whose responsibility is it to talk to your desperate friend, to walk out on the ledge with them?

Kirk: Uh . . . well . . . it should be one of those missionaries you were talking about. But it will probably be the police. That’s what we pay them to do.

John: Don’t you think God would have missionaries in every country to help with those kinds of situations?

Kirk: Well, I guess he would. He should. It’s just that everybody has responsibilities with families these days. Nobody has the time. Well, almost nobody. Somebody has been calling my mother in the nursing home every week. We can’t find out who it is.

John: Do you think everybody is supposed to be married?

Kirk: Of course not. There will always be some people who don’t.

John: What about the people who intentionally stay single and celibate?

Kirk: Now, only Catholics do that kind of thing. You know, they have their monks and nuns. People who have no sex drive.

John: Is that in the Bible?

Kirk: Yes, I think it’s in Hebrews. It says that only unmarried Catholic monks and nuns will be given the gift of celibacy.

John: Hold on just a second, I’ve got to call your mom at the nursing home.

Kirk: You mean you . . .

John: Yes, I’ve committed myself to calling several people every week. I could just as well cancel the commitment and keep on talking to you.

Kirk: No, you go right ahead. I appreciate what you’re doing. I’ve got to pick up Junior from the ballgame.

John: So, am I a single man waiting on a wife?

Kirk: No. You’ve got a calling. You’ve been faithfully committed to God. I’d say you’re a monk. But don’t tell the preacher I told you that.

Okay, this was a fictional interview. But I think it’s highly plausible.

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