Do Men Exist Who Save Sex For Marriage?

man on road painting

“And what would you say to a single woman who is saving sex but struggles to believe that men exist who want to save sex, too?” That question was posed to Everett Fritz on Arleen Spenceley’s blog today. Everett, now 31, was a virgin until he married at 22, which I find interesting because aren’t all guys virgins before they have sex? I guess it’s odd to me because I consider sex itself marriage and not a church service or legal document. But that’s a whole different story. While I do agree with Everett’s answer, that everyone should read more books and articles written by Arleen, I thought I would offer my answer, in hopes of assuring single women that men do exist who are saving sex until marriage. Yes, I know I’ve made the decision to remain a virgin forever. But there was a time when I was open to marriage. I think guys who are waiting, whether for marriage or forever, have a few things in common. So here’s what I would say to single women, especially to those 25+, who are saving sex for marriage:

1. We adore you and are rooting for you, whether you want to marry us or not. We want the world to see what virtuous ladies are really like, that you stand by your principles, and that you don’t compromise in order to gain popularity or get a job promotion. And even more important – that God made you to be more than the sum of your body parts or objects of desire.

2. We like awkwardness, for lack of a better term. We like to think that we can pick you out of a crowd. And we’re depending on you to pick us out of a crowd. So don’t be afraid of being yourself. Don’t try to look or act like other girls, even your best friend. The NUMBER ONE thing that turns me on to a girl is originality. Is she marching to her own beat or is she trying to keep time with the world? Is her confidence in God or is it in her appearance and her ability to attract men? For a woman who is waiting, she should NOT know what it takes to please a man. If you try to copy the world with the latest fashion and trends, chances are great that a Godly single man will not notice you. It is very unappealing. Don’t be afraid to do things differently. Define your own style. But whatever you do, keep it modest. If you’re trying to attract attention with your skin, you will definitely get the wrong kind of attention. Then that bass player will definitely hit a note you will regret. Dressing modestly also speaks tons about your sensitivity to us. “This girl actually cares that I keep my mind focused on her as a person and not on her as an object of sexual desire.” I’ve always felt that truly beautiful girls, inside and out, do not know they’re beautiful. So don’t be afraid to stumble or appear different. When two awkward people come together, the word awkward ceases to exist and becomes something sacred. That’s the way God intended it. Yes, the world may point fingers and laugh. That’s okay. We’re awkward too. Isn’t there a right time and place for everything? So what does it matter what the world thinks? We live in a world that tells us we have to have sex to be men. Show us that you think differently. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when someone told me me, “John, you would have made a good dad. But I know God led you down a different road.”

3. Ask questions, about anything, no matter how personal. It tells me a lot of things about you – that you’re brave, you’re straightforward, you know what your priorities are, you’re open to being friends, and – most importantly – you’re confident in who you are. It tells me you are more than skin deep. “So where did you grow up” to “where do you go to church?” Ask your friends about us. Investigate us.

4. We don’t know what you’ve been through when it comes to guys. Has someone tried to take advantage of you? Lied to you? Arleen had a bad set with a bass player. We’re sorry. We want you to see that we’re different. While your trust may have been violated, let me say this very tactfully – We’re not responsible for what happened in your past. And you shouldn’t have sole responsibility for laying down rules and “boundaries” in future friendships. That’s not to say that guys can be insensitive to any trauma you have experienced. They can’t. But they don’t want to see you hurt anymore. When I see a girl that I care about hurt, I hurt. That’s called being friends, not emotionally dependent lovers. It may be hard to imagine in this day and time, especially since most of the chastity blogs are written by women, but there are indeed guys who know what the rules are – and live by those rules every day of their lives. There are actually guys too who do not date girls who are “willing” to save sex for marriage, or even have them as friends. And brace yourself for this shocking reality: There are actually guys who have said no to sex. Do you respect that? You need to tell us.

5. While you may be awkward, some of us are sensitive. Affirm our sensitivity. If I’m rescuing an animal from the middle of the road and you happen to be following me, turn on your hazard lights. Thanks. Tell us it matters. Defend us when necessary. It works both ways.

6. Let us know that we’re appreciated, even if you know you’re not going to marry us. Not every guy is easily “led on.” Not every guy is a sex animal ready to pounce on whatever warm-bodied female moves in front of him. Spend time with us. Talk to us. Let us know we’re doing something right. By doing so, you’re telling the whole world what kind of man you value. By staying silent, you allow us to wonder who YOU really are.

7. Trust us. I know this is a big one, because many of you have already had that trust violated. But as best you can, please make peace with your past and move on. An attitude of revenge and “prove yourself” will not build up a legacy that you want to leave on earth. Don’t allow yourself to be brought down to the level of the world. Learn to trust again. Pray for the discernment to draw you to Christian men and to avoid non-Christian men. I think virgin guys can pick up distrust a million miles away. Sometimes we are willing to ignore it, like if we think you are recovering from abuse, etc. But most of the time we interpret it as your attempt to be part of the feminist “man-bashing” crowd. And in our minds, that gives us a good reason to avoid you.

8. Treat everybody you meet with respect. If I want to meet you, it will probably be when you least expect it. I can be a clown and have been known to put on quite a show just to watch people’s reactions. “But you’re not going to marry, so what does it matter?” Yes, but I’m still a human being who needs social contact. Until you see or hear something that tells you otherwise, treat every guy like he could be the guy you spend the rest of your life with – no matter how old/young, rich/poor, simple/sophisticated, Catholic/Protestant, etc. This is especially true when you first meet a guy. I’m not saying jump in the car of the first man who shows you attention. That wouldn’t be using wise discernment. What I’m saying is be civilized and don’t be partial with your time and attention. Even the person you snub could be the friend of a friend . . . you never meet.

9. Break free from the chains of mom and dad. For some of you still living at home, etc., I know that’s near impossible. But learn to think for yourselves, to trust your own judgment, to discern the good guys from the bad guys. We’re not afraid of your mom, dad, or anybody else in your family. Have us over for lunch. A lot of older single guys probably wouldn’t mind if your family adopted us.

10. Don’t be afraid of letting people know you’re open to marriage, even in your church; because while we may not know each other, we may have friends in common. Usually, girls have more verbal skills than guys. Most guys appreciate that. I know I do. So if a guy is really interested in you, it will not matter to him how he meets you.

11. Put down the texting and social media and talk to us face to face; or if necessary, ear to ear on a telephone. Computer text does not convey 1/10th of what is communicated in a conversation. You can’t hear the other person’s tone of voice or inflections and you can’t see their body language or eye contact. Just place one step in the guy’s direction and say “what’s going on” and let God take care of the rest. Try your best to make eye contact with him. That is so important. But don’t knock him over the head if he glances at your body a few times. God made sexual desire. If he’s like you and has never had sex, then your desires are evenly matched. Introduce him to your brain. Can you solve an unbelievably difficult puzzle? Show off a little bit.

12. Understand what the guy who is saving sex has said “no” to and the self control it took him to be available to you today, whether as a friend or as a potential husband. This is especially true for an older guy. Think about all the times he has been ridiculed and laughed at and still had the will power to say no to even one night of pleasure. Consider his age and think about how many nights that involved. Think about all the friends, or would be friends, he has lost because he would not have sex. Think of the people who have turned their backs on him because he does not “fit in” with the ways of the world or have a wife and family. Think of the embarrassing questions he’s had to endure at work, church, and out in everyday life. “So, how many grandchildren do you have?” Then you should see just how little it takes to give him one ounce of encouragement.

http://arleenspenceley.com/everett-fritz/

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Southern Baptists Adopt Nazi Breeding Methods

Abraham_and_the_Three_Angels

“Abraham And The Three Angels” by Giovanni Andrea de Ferrari (1689)

The Bible has a lot to say about self control. All the way from the prophets in the Old Testament to the disciples in the New Testament, you can read about Godly men who chose to follow God rather than their lusts.

“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Proverbs 25:28.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23.

There are many people today who reject God’s teaching on self-control and celebrate their newfound freedom in today’s sexually liberated world. One such group is the Southern Baptist, the largest Protestant denomination in the United States. Of course, that should come as no surprise as the Baptists are not known for self-control or wisdom. Consider what their Public Policy President, Andrew Walker, recently said in response to the statistical rise in age of first marriages:

“Frankly, it is indeed our personal opinion that marrying earlier staves off the hormonal rush that comes with sexual temptation . . . It is impractical and unhelpful to advise and encourage young men and women who reach sexual maturity at the age of 12 or 13 to wait 15 years before marriage and still remain pure.”

You know what? For the Baptists, the entire Bible is impractical. Self control is not possible in a world of deep perversion. Sexual maturity? Let me see if I can find that in my Bible. Nope. Andrew, do you have chapter and verse? Unfortunately, this is another classic example of how they make up the Bible as they go along. Whatever feels good, is the most comfortable, and makes them look good in the eyes of the public is their Bible of the moment. Your little Suzie in the 6th grade has got a crush on a boy in the 7th grade? No worry. Just hire her a pimp for the night and get all those hormone rushes out of her system. You can’t make her feel . . . uncomfortable by not acting on her sexual urges. That would be so cruel. She shouldn’t have to wait on anything. She deserves everything now! You know, it might be best if you got her two pimps to stave off her hormones a little longer. Dress her up right and she may have a full time job.

And consider their recent statement in the Baptist Press:

“A Southern Baptist pastor (Jon Akin) and an expert on moral policy issues made national headlines recently by suggesting that parents who encourage their adult children to delay marriage for educational and financial reasons unwittingly send a message that it’s OK for them to engage in premarital sex.”

Unwittingly? I wonder how that might go down? “Ok son, I know you really like that blonde you’re seeing. I think she’s pretty cute too. I know you had your heart set on getting an architecture degree and building houses. But if you feel you can’t wait to have sex with her, you’re mom and I will help pay for the wedding tomorrow. You shouldn’t have to wait. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. We want you to be a family man. We’ll help you with the baby if that comes along. And you can always get a job down at Joe’s Bar and Grill.” I had to reread this expert’s opinion again because it’s almost a direct copy of Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf. This is what Hitler had to say on the subject of marriage and reproduction:

“We will treat these social diseases like syphilis by eliminating the cause that propagates the problem which is prostitution and promiscuity and the present government’s discouragement of early marriage. Often the youth cannot marry early because they do not have the money to pay for a home and family and higher education. Germany needs scientists and engineers. The NSDAP democratic government will make the money available and provide leadership to overcome these problems.”

Oh yes, the Obama administration is making even more money available. Now, every little precious child is entitled to a free two-year college degree. But guess who foots the bill? That’s right, taxpayers. Wouldn’t Hitler be so proud of the Baptists and Jon Akin? Here we have the largest Protestant denomination in the country endorsing Hitler’s breeding control methods – asserting that pedophilia is better than fornication, that chastity before marriage is not possible because of hormones, that self control is an antiquated idea, and that character proven by time doesn’t matter anymore. They apparently did not look at the statistics that show the rate of divorce has been dropping as the age of first marriage increases. That’s not new. Teen marriages have always been associated with a higher divorce rate. Are they really worried about promiscuity? I think not. Like Hitler worried about the declining number of German scientists, the Baptists are worried about declining church membership and offering in the plates. In 2014, the SBC membership declined for the 7th year in a row. I guess it’s time for panic mode. Maybe they ought to buy stock in Pampers and Gerber’s baby food. Got to get that production line going.

I thought it was odd that Walker included an ubiquitous sentence about singleness being a “gift that God gives to some people (1 Corinthians 7) and one only has the gift of singleness if they can live a celibate life with self-control.” Now, if someone has the gift of singleness, wouldn’t that require that they live beyond 20 years of age without sex? 30 years of age? For the rest of their lives without sex? The big fat elephant in the room is this: How do you know who those “some people” are? Do the Baptist’s actually think everyone in their “singles” groups on Sunday mornings are living celibate lives under control? If they do, they’re living in fairyland. Or maybe he meant that “celibacy is a gift” instead of singleness. Someone should probably buy them a new dictionary. “Only has the gift of singleness?” I guess he’s alluding to Matthew 19 when Christ made the comment “only to whom it is given” when talking about eunuchs. There are several problems with using these verses as a marriage mandate: First, it would be equally correct to say that one only has the gift of marriage if he cannot control himself. So some people have the gift of celibacy and everybody else is called to marriage. That’s a brilliant deduction. I’m sure it took a lot of Ph.D.s to figure that out. Second, how can anyone know how many “only” is? Only is a term that denotes exclusivity – not numbers. The days are bright and blue only when the sun is shining. Wow, that is really deep.

I agree though that those called to celibacy are a small number. But how can anybody in the SBC know those numbers or make such generalizations about them? To my knowledge, they’ve never taken a survey on that. But they have done a lot of surveys to see how many of their members accept homosexuality. They’ve even called on all of their congregants to “love their gay and lesbian neighbors.” I find it rather telling that they’ve never called on anyone to love their neighbors who are called to lives of celibacy. No, that would be too . . . Catholic. Who does the SBC even have that’s even qualified to talk about celibacy at all? Nobody. They’re all married men. So what they say on this matter is as definitive as 50 shades of gray. “If they can live a celibate life?” Who is they? Poor Baptists. They can identify homosexuals, same sex partners, divorcees, transgenders, pedophiles, pornography addicts, people who don’t put money in the offering plates, etc. But they just can’t bring themselves to identify those pesky people who live “celibate lives under control.” No, that would shine just a little bit too much light on “pathetic marriage cultures within the church,” as the SBC ethics chief Russell Moore puts it. I’m sure this would be a shock to any of them, but I too take celibacy just as seriously as anybody does marriage, in a way that prompts the culture around me to ask why. As of today, nobody has asked me why. Interesting.

It’s interesting to see how the socialist mindset has spread from our government to the religious institutions. For anyone who knows history, the mere mention of church-sanctioned arranged marriages should be a social red flag. The world has already seen that socialism does not work and we don’t need a repeat of Hitler’s Nazi Germany. And I really don’t think God’s word should change based on surveys or hormonal rushes.

http://www.religionnews.com/2014/10/30/southern-baptists-change-tone-substance-homosexuality-commentary/

http://www.bpnews.net/43185/when-should-southern-baptists-get-married-thats-for-southern-baptists-to-decide

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/29/southern-baptist-convention-membership-decline_n_5411695.html

http://townhall.com/news/religion/2014/08/18/when-should-southern-baptists-get-married-thats-for-southern-baptists-to-decide-n1880219

http://www.russellmoore.com/2013/06/26/how-should-same-sex-marriage-change-the-churchs-witness/

Virginity – Pure And Simple

Hercules

A culture in crisis brings a language in crisis.  And this is so true today, especially in the world of sexual ethics.  Purity, chastity, virginity, abstinence – Definitions all up for grabs.  The reason is simple – The rock that the church was built on has turned into shades of gray.  Basic Christian principles have crumbled like an avalanche down the side of a mountain.  White?  It’s relative.  Black?  It’s relative.  Purity?  Let’s don’t hurt anybody’s feelings.  Truth?  You believe what you want to believe.  The basic truth that we’ve compromised on is found in one verse in the Bible, Matthew 6:24:  “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.”  This is the definition of a mandatory dichotomy, one that has no shades of gray.  The Christian tradition is filled with polar opposites.  For instance, the mere act of accepting Christ involves stepping from a black world into the bright light of Christ in the blink of an eye.  Our rebirth is instantaneous.  There is no gradual progression from dark to light.  In the blink of an eye, man is transformed from a life of sin and shame to one of grace and redemption.  The marriage and celibacy dichotomy is another example.  As Apostle Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7, every Christian makes a choice between a life of marriage and concern for the affairs of this world or a life of celibacy and concern for Christ’s affairs.  There is no gray area between the two.  You can’t commit to a life of celibacy and allow the exception of one affair per year.  Another one is male and female.  But perhaps the best example of a mandatory dichotomy is the virgin and nonvirgin, the unknown versus the known. In the time it takes for consummation, two people become one flesh (Mark 10:8).  This dichotomy highlights a word that is ever morphing in the world of virtue today – Purity.  It has traditionally been a well understood reference to virginity, someone who has never had sex, male or female.  It is even used as such in the bible – I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.”  But there are circles today where it means no more than a comfortable “doing good.” Even in abstinence programs, the word has been hijacked and used as a straw man by those who operate in shades of gray.  The setup is fairly simple – Underhandedly set virginity up as perfection, throw in the straw man of purity, and scream “purity culture!” in a crowded theater – or should I say, abstinence rally.   It seems to be a fairly effective technique today.  You can read numerous stories of how dirty chewing gum and toothbrushes have “shamed” so many people.  The purity of a virgin has become so offensive.  What people forget is – you can’t shame a shamed/repentant person.  So if that abstinence talk at church is attended only by Christian students, it is not possible for one person to shame another.  However, a convicted conscious might cause someone to feel uncomfortable and try to defend themselves with an accusation of shame.  Black and white.  Night and day.  Pure and impure.   Basic Christian dichotomies.  It’s simple.  Can we give the virgins back their purity?